How a debilitating battle with burnout almost cost me my career.
In 2021, I got sick. Really sick.
In February of 2020, I launched my business. Admittedly, I had no idea what I was doing, what services I could offer or how. It seemed as if all the entrepreneurial courses during undergrad or weekend entrepreneurship programs were lost on me; like a leaf in the wind.
But, even scared I saw an opportunity before me and in a classic Jessica nature, I just couldn’t say no.
A business like this was always earmarked in my 10-year professional plan. I knew that by a certain milestone birthday, I had wanted to start a business doing gender and race-based research to influence public policy. It was always my dream, my big vision, my legacy if you will. So when powerhouse herself, Larissa Crawford was opening up a door in my career, scared or not, ready or not - I knew I had to walk through that threshold.
While starting this new endeavour, I continued working full-time at a non-profit organization doing research to influence public policy (when I said I was passionate about this work - I really meant it). Then March 2020 came and the whole world turned upside down.
My coping mechanism through the pandemic was to work through the boredom and isolation. I became a recluse. Bordering myself off into the basement for hours a day without seeing the sunlight. Between working full-time and starting a business I was working between 10-12 hours a day. With nothing better to do, it seemed like a fine balance to me.
By the fall of 2020, I applied and was accepted into York University’s Public Policy and Analysis certificate program. This is after failing to gain admission into the University of Toronto’s Munk School of Public Policy and Toronto Metropolitan University’s Public Policy Program (an interesting story I’ll save for another time). I thought this would be a good way to fill up free time in my day and give me a little bit of the professional edge I was seeking so that when the pandemic was over, I would have advanced my career and be ready for new opportunities. When I started, I was excited to be back in school. I thought it's only a few courses…I can finish a two-three year program in one year since well you know, I have nothing better to do.
This would be the point in a well-articulated story where the narrator would come in and discuss why working full-time, launching a business you feel like an imposter in, and being in school full-time probably isn’t a wise idea.
So I was in school full time, working full time and working on building a business and then in January of 2021, I became the Director of Public Policy and Advocacy for the Canada Women’s Chamber of Commerce. By now, you could say that I was doing the most I was on the verge of a breakdown by which my mind and body would give up on me, but that I didn’t know as yet.
To give a glimpse into how I was managing this lifestyle overload, I would generally break up my days into sections 6-hour windows, sleeping in intervals between each interval between 2-3 hours over a 24-hour period. There were nights when I didn’t sleep and would work all day right into the next morning. There were nights when I couldn’t work at all despite looming deadlines. There would be days when I didn’t have enough time to make it into my bed, so I would sleep on the floor by my computer in case someone messaged me on Slack or Teams and needed something from me. During this time, I completely abandoned my exercise routine, resorted to eating a lot of processed foods (I would have McDonalds sometimes twice a day) and probably worst of all, I was also drinking - a lot. Sometimes a bottle and a half of wine or more in a day.
After 8 months of all of this, my mind and body started to show signs that we were heading down the wrong path. But like most modern people, out of tune with their body’s natural instincts, I just ignored the signs; I probably was more worried about a deadline or something of the sort.
The first thing I noticed was my energy, it was low and I mean very low. I brushed it off attributing it to my lack of sleep and poor sleep patterns. Then, I was diagnosed with insomnia. I was rapidly gaining weight and just overall not feeling good.
The worst of it would start when I started to feel disconnected from my work. I lost my sense of purpose, I lost my passion, I lost my reason to care. I couldn’t understand what was going on with myself, and for some reason could not identify that perhaps I was working too much. I thought to myself, no, that can’t be it. There must be something wrong with me (facepalm). I contacted my doctor and I started taking an antidepressant. I thought - I must be depressed. After 8 weeks on Wellbutrin, absolutely nothing changed (shocker!). In a follow-up call with my doctor, she said the symptoms your describing sound more like burnout than depression.
It hit me. I’m burnt? out!
I started googling symptoms and experiences of burning out and immediately felt seen. For the first time, everything that I was feeling was finally put into perspective. By this time it was late 2021, and I had been laid off from CanWCC, finished my certificate at York U and was still trying not to drown working full-time and on my business.
But it was too late.
By the end of 2021, I had used up all the capacity in one year. I was done, and this attitude was reflected in my work. At the time, I wanted nothing to do with anything I could care less about anything. This was a huge change from who I was at the start of the pandemic, a young (arguably stupid and naive) professional trying to leave her mark on the world.
By April of 2022, I left my full-time employment. I went from doing the most to doing absolutely nothing. I still had a few clients I would support here and there, but I went from a 40-hour work week to working about 6 hours a week.
Now you’re probably wondering why am I sharing all of this with you. I’m glad we’re on the same page.
By late 2021, my burnout forced me to become silent. I went from actively doing progressive public policy work to being nowhere to be found. I was suffering. Every day, I would wake up with a feeling of deep dread and despair. Lost, unsure of what to do next and just completely confused about what to do with myself and my career. The irony is, I went into the pandemic and loaded myself up with all of this work and interesting opportunities believing it would progress my career but what it did instead was almost end it. I lost opportunities, I damaged my reputation and worst of all, I felt like I failed myself.
Over the last year, I’ve been debating if this line of work is even for me. Everything I’ve dreamed about since I was like 13 years old, the path I’ve led and the work I’ve done have all been connected. But my burnout was so debilitating that I was ready to walk away from it all and I almost did. Had it not been for one accidentally missed phone call, I would be in a completely different country in a completely different field.
So I share this story to explain where I’ve been and I’m finally in a place where I feel comfortable to come back and dip my toe in the water. I’m re-introducing myself and my work - you can expect to see some new and different things from me in the future - hopefully at regular intervals. I’m still taking it day by day. I learned the hard way that burnout doesn’t disappear overnight, and it’s something that I’ll have to learn how to continuously prevent.
